The Only Way Is Essex: An Insight To Human Development

Now you all must have heard about the ITV2 Reality TV Show, The Only Way Is Essex. This fantastic piece of television footage collected and put together to constitute a "TV Show", and I use the term very loosely, was first aired on 10th October 2010. The premise of the show is to present a group of young adults growing up in Essex as a British alternative to The Hills or Jersey Shore, where they are inaccurately described as "real people in modified situations, saying unscripted lines but in a structured way".

This description could not possibly be any further from the truth on so many levels. Firstly in what possibly degenerate society can any of the 'cast members' being legally called "real people", I have seen some interesting characters in my time and none come close to those that are presented to the nation on 'TOWIE', as it is known, are literally the finest examples of humanity that Essex has to offer.

Each of the eleven main "characters" whose lives are dramatically followed, intruded upon and played with all seem to be different in appearance, but under the very thick layers of make up and fake tan they are all the same shallow, self-centred, fame craving human beings who need not be paid attention to. They all come across as the sort of people who would be impressed at the most trivial of things, and act as if they are so impressed at how they can sit and see themselves on the television despite not actually being in the television itself. The sort of people who, if presented with the decision between food and fake tan, would not hesitate to sacrifice nutrition in order to look as orange as a tangerine, and it would quite frankly work in their favour as it would mean "no Carbs before Marbs".

Since The Only Way Is Essex was brought to our television sets on 10th October 2010, the show has gone on to produce a further 19 Episodes to date, excluding specials, where the undoubtedly insignificant lives of Mark Wright, James Argent, Lauren Goodger and co have been further invaded to a truly unnecessary level of detail, so much so it has become the new Big Brother and the viewers can actually relate to these individuals, as I try to avoid the use of the term 'people' as much as possible.

Despite the wide spread affection and love shown towards the 'cast' of TOWIE there has also been considerable negative feedback related to the show, which is hard to believe but I guess people are entitled to their opinion, I mean how could revealing such characters as Joey Essex, and how their fantastic mind works, possibly be seen as a negative image for Essex? Exactly.

Oh wait, no I do see where they are coming from. This Joey Essex is literally one of the most pathetic examples of human development that I think I have ever seen. He has been brought up in a lifestyle where the possibilities to learn are endless, he has had no limitations as to the resources he could access to learn about the world due to the financial background and atmosphere in which he lives, yet he instead has 'grown up', again a term used loosely, to be a cretin. You would hope that Joey Essex would be the novelty character who didn't quite get it and the others laughed about it and got on with their lives, but unfortunately they are all as ignorant of the real world as the next. They all seem to find amusement in Joey Essex and his mistakes, which is totally understandable, but when they then go on to attempt to correct him and then act as if they are more intelligent is rather annoying.

It is like watching a group of mentally challenged individuals living their lives and pointing out and laughing at each others flaws and imperfections in life before the crushing reality of their own depressing lives hits home and they end up in tears also. Actually it is exactly that, it is about as entertaining as a book full of carpet samples. I literally cannot see any attraction towards this show or how it has managed to last on air so long. It would not surprise me to find these girls on a channel like Babestation in a few years time as their 'career' in fashion or politics or whatever just "didn't take off as I had expected". As for the others they would not look out of place on Jeremy Kyle discussing how their brief spell on 'reality TV' has caused them so much emotional stress and turmoil that they now cannot trust anyone again.

Despite the love that people have for this show, I still believe The Only Way Is Essex literally is as insightful and interesting as a colonoscopy, a very detailed portrayal of what can only be accurately described as nothing but shit. If I wanted to gain a perverted insight into the shallow, insignificant lives of so called celebrities I would simply pick up a national paper and observe the garbage which is written on the front page about the latest sex scandal of the 'nations favourite footballer'.

What's the point? (Part 1)

Recently I have noticed more and more things which I literally cannot find a purpose for in any way, shape or form, so I have put this blog together to highlight these irritating issues, objects etc. I hope you enjoy.

The first thing that caught my attention and inevitably annoyed me enough to write this blog were a group of "Free Runners" in Sheffield Peace Gardens. Now for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to know what this is and what it entails, I will provide you with a brief outline of this truly fantastic concept which is provided from Wikipedia. 

"Free Running is a form of Urban acrobatics in which the participants, who are known as Free Runners, use the city and rural landscape to perform movements through its structures. It incorporates efficient movements from parkour, adds aesthetic vaults and other acrobatics, such as tricking and street stunts, creating an athletic and aesthetically pleasing way of moving", apparently. So when I saw these Free Runners performing their public acrobatic display it got me wondering what is the benefit of doing such a thing? Are these people seriously that mentally unstable that walking to and from destinations does not fulfil their requirements for a short trip across town? These people would not look out of place in a Zoo in the monkey enclosure, what more would they need aside a tyre on a rope and walls to run into?

The particular individual Free Runner who caught my attention was one who was walking up a set of stairs in a handstand on his hands, as if to show to everyone else present as he performed this stunt that his way of getting up stairs was much easier, practical and generally a more sensible option. After a brief moment of time contemplating what was going through the mind of this particular Free Runner, I came to the conclusion that he was simply a moron who really believes that walking on your specially designed and formed feet is old fashioned and his 'new' intuitive way of transporting his 'finely tuned body' from a lower level to one that is higher by using his hands instead, was clearly the new way forward. Oh how naive we all have been, based on this I might start making my cup of tea in the morning with my feet, once I have gone downstairs on my hands that is. Then again, I can see why Heather Mills might find it an appealing way to get up sets of stairs.

Another truly pointless creation which has got me wondering why bother inventing it is Non-Alcoholic Beer. Now before I go on to rant about this I know it is made for those who do not want to drink alcohol but like the taste of beer. That is not what I am challenging, I am challenging the concept of something so pointless, why would these companies put so much money into funding this product development purely because there are fussy people who want the best of both worlds. Someone should tell them that you cannot have the best of both worlds, just look at Charlie Sheen, he has had the best of many worlds for too long now and it has all fallen to pieces. Also why would anybody take these people seriously? Who honestly says that they want to have an alcoholic drink which is not alcoholic just so that they can 'fit in' and not be judged because they wont be drink driving that particular evening after a work function. Oh wait. Anyway, it is a pointless creation, just like Decaffeinated Coffee.

Why do people choose to drink coffee, I would naturally assume that it was drunk because of the stimulating influence it has upon the consumer. That stimulation which is gained from drinking a cup of coffee comes from the caffeine, which gives you that huge boost of energy, awareness and enthusiasm which we all need on a weekday morning. So tell me this, if that is what coffee is for, why would someone want to be able to drink it and gain no benefit from the cup of coffee? Surely that is the same as drinking a glass of Orange Juice without the Vitamin C, totally pointless in every possible way.

Another thing that has caused me to become annoyed are people who wear T-Shirts which have an overly stretched neck line and trousers with an overly exaggerated crotch, why do it? I can only imagine that they do it because their ego's mean they are so big headed it is the only possibly way a T-Shirt would fit on them, where the big headedness is further increased due to the need for a baggy crotch because of their enormous fantasy cocks which will only be held in by a huge pair of low crotch chinos, right?

Also what is the deal with American English, this is supposedly a totally separate and different language yet it is essentially English for dyslexic people. Why put this silly alteration of the English language on a Word Processing Program which will not highlight blatant spelling mistakes because it has chosen to go into American English Language mode? The main use of the Word Processor is to type up literature which will be accurately spelt and if any mistakes arise then the computer will literally do the thinking for you and alert you to your faults. But instead it sometimes goes into the spin off substandard language they use across the pond and the computer also becomes illiterate, therefore defeating the purpose of why you are using it. So basically if they had not let the Americans ruin the English language we would not face these problems. At what point was it that people decided that normal English was not good enough and its correctly spelt words needed re-structuring? I personally have never heard anyone complain about the English language and how the words were spelt, as far as I am aware the way it is now is widely accepted as fine and in no need of change, so why did someone let the Americans get hold of it and mess it all up, which is a question that can be applied to a wide range of topics such as World Peace, but lets not go there for now.

So there was a brief rant about what has been annoying me recently, I hope you enjoyed it. If not then keep your comments to yourself as they will probably irritate me and cause me to write another blog in your honour. Thanks.

One womans lie about an affair which got seriously out of hand...

So here is my first attempt to write a humorous yet serious article about a controversial topic, if at all possible. So when deciding what to write I thought why not start with one of the most widely debated topics ever know to humanity, religion but in particular Christianity.

So let's start at the beginning so that we do not lose anyone along this 100% factual journey explaining to us in a fascinating book called the Holy Bible, you may have heard of it. The Holy Bible is a collection of sacred scripture from various branches of Christianity. Despite this particular book not being specifically categorised as to which area of literature it falls into, fiction or non-fiction (I will let you be the judge, but if you are asking me it is all a load of magical stories which are less believable than Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings), it has gone on to be the bestselling book of all time in its various forms.

Anyway if I were to explain the whole book it would take forever, so in the long and short of it the book basically states that the world was created in 6 days by a supernatural being who is Omniscient, Omnibenevolent, Omnipotent and Omnipresent. The world was then left to two human beings, a man and a woman, who were also made by this interventionalist deity out of dust and a man’s rib respectively. Which is perfectly reasonable considering this is an Omnipotent entity, but if this deity were Omnipotent could it create a weight which it could not lift? Anyway more of that later.

So these two humans were left to roam the Garden of Eden but were told not to eat the apple from the tree. They met a talking snake who stitches them right up and they eat the apple and God gets mad, he then banished them from the garden and made all other humans who descend from them (surely inbred?) to suffer for their actions.

So a couple of years or so down the line, this boy called Jesus is born to a mother called Mary, who was the result of the immaculate conception which somehow many so called "Christians" do not know, and a father called Joseph who did a Woodwork NVQ. This baby Jesus turns out to be God the Son incarnated, who would have thought it? So Jesus was sent down from the heavens to guide the ignorant people on Earth as their Messiah, and yes if you were wondering he was allowed outside despite being a very naughty boy.

So Jesus went through his life performing "miracles", which are described as: "a transgression of a law of nature by the volition of a deity", which turns out to be a rather large grey area which is surprising considering the credibility of the Holy Bible and the concepts which it contains within. Now bearing in mind that Law's of Nature are what has been observed throughout time and therefore anything is possible to happen, for example that water once turned into wine then that would be considered a Law of Nature as it is something that has happened and been previously observed and known to the present day. Also in this case the deity would be Christ himself, as we all know he is clearly God the Son Incarnate. So what I am trying to say is that the events that occurred when Jesus was involved are simply by definition events that have occurred and that in turn makes them fall within the Law's of Nature and not some magical explanation. Surely they are not miracles then?

Despite all the miracles he did, Jesus ended up being crucified to atone the rest of humanity for sin or being a poor magician, you can make your own minds up there. Naturally he died and was placed in a cave which was his burial chamber. Three days later his followers went to check on him and he was not anywhere to be seen. As you do when you die, three days later you just get up and walk about for 40 days before actually dying, so either Jesus wasn't dead or the story is a load of bollocks, again make of it what you will.

Jesus finally did the decent thing and returned to heaven and a good 500 years later people decided to actually write down the stories which they had heard about this Jesus character, how could any of the key information or facts possibly be lost 500 years down the line by stories being passed on by word of mouth like a big game of mythical Chinese Whispers? Exactly, it couldn't as any reasonable Christian will inform you.

So these books were formed from the disciples’ stories and they were called the Gospels, titled Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Then over the years the books which the Bible is made up of were taken out and put in and the final decision fell into the hands of King James I in 1604 who had the Holy Bible translated and altered so that it could be fully appreciated by the wider world. Again this method could not affect the credibility of such a text after it being passed down from generation to generation to then be translated from language to language, as we all know that translating on Google provides us with such an accurate answer as did this method, so there is no reason why we should doubt this text.

Now 400 years further on here we are living in a country where the laws and rules are based upon this sacred text. Where we still foolishly rely upon these dated principles to assist us in such difficult decisions, such as are we to let the dying let go of life? Are we allowed to terminate a pregnancy at a certain point? Is it socially acceptable to be homosexual? How can we rationally rely upon such a dated and biased text which was formed in roughly 2000 years ago to help govern and manage decisions in a modern and ever developing society and an ever changing world, when this book is simply a story which has got out of hand and into the hands of far too many gullible people who would literally believe anything if enough people told them it were true. Let's just hope in a further 2000 years time that people will worship a figure called Albus Dumbledore and they will look at Harry Potter as their prophet and Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger as Harry's disciples and that they were in fact real people who performed such daring and magical acts that they are worthy of being worshipped, but let's face it they are probably being worshipped already.

I may be called narrow minded because of my views but I am a firm believer that if you open your mind to much, your brain might just fall out.