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Friday, 8 July 2011

We all used to love Chris Moyles, until we realised he was a fat, unfunny, useless bellend.

Now, I am sure you have all had the misfortune to have come across Chris Moyles at some stage of your life and as a result of this I feel for you. Chris Moyles is a conundrum, as he has gone through his mildly interesting career being known as a "funny man" which is clearly something he is not, and if you think he is I suggest you do not continue to read (then again if you find him funny I highly doubt you have developed such rudimentary skills, such as reading). 

For anyone who is blessed enough to never have come across this wonderful individual I will give you a brief account of his career background. Moyles started his broadcasting career as a volunteer in Wakefield Hospital whilst still at school. As a result of this work he gained employment at Radio Luxembourg in 1992 and worked there until the station closed, was this a coincidence? I will let you decide, but lets face it, if you had a radio station and employed this cunt would you not want to shut it down? Anyway from there he went on to work at The Pulse of West Yorkshire in 1993 and was sacked, yes sacked, for inappropriate comments made about the stations previous programme controller. This proves to be a theme in the "funny man's" career, he seems to have this natural gift of saying mind-numbingly stupid and offensive things that result in him being dismissed, it's that or I just don't understand his 'sense of humour' if that is what you can call it.

Moyles went from station to station over the next few years spreading his shitty opinions to innocent counties who had no other alternative to listen to at such a time. These included Signal 1 in Stoke-on-Trent, Chiltern Radio, Horizon Radio, Severn Sound and Northants 96. But it was in 1996 where Moyles arguably got his 'big break' when he took a job at Capital FM, which is a large national station which has played host to such talents as Gervais, Merchant, Pilkington and 'Doctor' Neil Fox. 

It was the latter of those blockbuster names who Moyles managed to annoy and subsequently fall out with but this turned out well because BBC were interested in employing Moyles and he took a job on BBC Radio 1 in 1997. So it goes to show you can simply fuck up all of your previous jobs, alienate your colleagues and co-workers, get sacked, cause a station to shut down yet still be known as "The Saviour Of Early Morning Radio". Moyles went through the years covering for other well know DJ's on Radio 1 before he got his prime time slot which he is 'known and loved for now', and I use that phrase in the loosest possible way.

Since being on Radio 1 Moyles professes to be entertaining and funny despite doing none of these things, unless you count offending the worlds Jewish population by undermining the significance of Auschwitz as entertainment or making homophobic comments to roughly 11 million people then I take back all I have said, and he is an all round funny guy. Until then, he can fuck off.

But it is not just his Radio 1 career which annoys me, but more his decision to write not one, but two autobiographies. Now this would say to me that he has done so much in his life that he was unable to contain all of the fascinating, and lets face it, life changing moments and stories into one volume so he felt the need to satisfy the readers craving for content to spill them out into two individual books. Now you can read the autobiographies of Chris Moyles and dismiss them as total shit, or alternatively you could save time by not reading them and dismissing them as total shit. I have taken the latter approach towards these two volumes of shit literature, or shiterature, if you will.

The first of the two book series is titled: The Gospel According To Chris Moyles, A Story About A Man And His Mouth. Now anyone who is severely lacking any form of rational thought would look at this book, read the title and think it was funny. They would be wrong. This book consists of roughly 70,000 words which to be fair is unnecessarily long to sum up ' A Story About A Man And His Mouth', when it could easily be summed up in the following 22 words: "The Man Is An Unfunny Fat Useless Bellend, And His Mouth Is Overused Even For The Job He Is Paid To Do". When looking for reviews for the book on Amazon, I came across the option to purchase the book apparently there are 23 new copies available for £2.00 or less which is reasonable value for what is ultimately going to turn out to be best used as scrap paper or a doodle book.

Now I have analysed and summarised his first book I shall move swiftly on to the second instalment that Chris Moyles has provided the world with. This 'book' was called "The Difficult Second Book", which is somewhat ironic seeing as the follow up to the previous shit book cannot really be that difficult? But I guess that is beside the point. When looking for a description of the book, Amazon provided me with this quote: "Further hilarious musings and anecdotes from the bestselling, motor-mouth Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles". Now for anyone who hadn't read the first instalment of the series they would be under the impression that the first book was in anyway amusing or entertaining, much like the man who wrote it himself. Unfortunately this is an inaccurate description of what only can be described as crap. There is nothing of interest in this mans life to warrant one book, let alone two. There are so few points of interest regarding his life I am not even going to bother anymore describing what he has done or what his books profess to claim as he is an unimportant, insignificant, pathetic member of society who has somehow become 'famous' for continually offending people on a path of destruction until he reached the heights of radio broadcasting. 

My point is this. You may think Chris Moyles is funny and charasmatic, but you'd be horribly wrong. Because when you grow up and look back at him and what he does, you soon realise that he is about as funny and charismatic as Playdough. In other words, he provides mild entertainment to those who are still in a stage of mental development. Fuck you Chris Moyles.

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