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Sunday, 5 June 2011

Britain's Got The Pop Factor X-Dancing On Ice Superstar Talent Contest

It is a Saturday night and the nation is gripped by the talent show mania, no matter what the 'talent' is, the people who offer their act to the nation are usually those who: have no parents, are under 12, are gay, are mental, are benefits cheats, are canine or all of the above. So why is it that the Great British public go loopy for these horrific popularity shows?

These types of show, such as The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent, Strictly Come Dancing etc all have the same basic set up where they have a panel of judges whose opinion will sway the general public so that they call in more and more to further line the pockets of all the famous people involved. The public phone vote is the most crucial part of the entire show because it allows those sat at home on their arses to become one of the panelists and have their deciding vote applied to the act which they sat and watched, as if they are of any importance to the world like say, Simon Cowell or Cheryl Cole are.

Each of these specially selected judges are supposedly all experts in the field of music, talent or dancing. So when watching The X Factor the judging panel comprises of the following, Simon Cowell who is the shows creator and a highly successful record company owner and talent manager. Louis Walsh who is also very highly respected within the music industry for the work he has done with bands such as Westlife. Cheryl Cole who is most famous for her work in the most successful girl band of all time Girls Aloud. So far these people all seem to be very appropriate and justifiable in the roles that they have been placed in. Then there is Danni Minogue, who can only be described as being famous for looking like a stuck-up sour faced bitch or having Kylie Minogue as a sister, I will let you decide.

As on The X Factor, the same concept for those on the judging panel for Britain's Got Talent is applied yet the criteria upon which they are selected for the role seemed to have been loosened. They have been loosened so much that the judges do not need to be experts in any field across the wide spectrum of professions that the world has to offer. They don't even need to be close to the top of their game in the specific career, if they have one at all. This particular panel consists of David Hasslehoff, whose most recent act of fame would be him publicly wetting himself on a night out. Amanda Holden who is now famous for being a woman, who is alive and on TV. Finally there is Michael McIntrye, Britain's favourite comedian if you have no idea about the concept of humour or even mild entertainment, which is why he is on such shows. Despite the opinion that he is in fact funny and he is called a comedian, it is wrong, Michael McIntyre is about as entertaining as a mild stroke. People will argue that he is in fact funny because he has the capability to point out day to day occurrences, recite them to large crowds and wiggle his head but unfortunately to all of those who would argue this but that does not and never will constitute comedy, unless you are a 13 year old female.

Despite the judging panels being awash with these fantastically gifted international role models, this still doesn't provide me with enough distraction from the utter rubbish which is known as the 'talent'. These acts usually consist of a dog bouncing around a stage to the sound of Greensleeves or a 94 year old Grandfather of 5 body-popping to Run DMC. This is clearly what the nation needs to see, and none more so that the Queen as the winner of the competition gets to perform at the Royal Variety Performance.

Don't get me wrong, this does offer variety, but it is simply a variety of shit. I think they should do the honourable thing and save a lot of time and money and simply get the Queen on the panel to decide which act is suitable so that I do not have to hear about it every moment through the media.

Alternatively do the humane thing and put Amanda Holden down, she looks like a distressed horse and it offends me.

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